A Self-Quarantine Passover Haggadah


“Why is this year different from all other years?” That’s the question everyone will ask at their Pesach seder this year. And the answer is that you’re probably sitting at home with your laptop, waving to your friends and relatives on the computer screen.

An untraditional seder calls for an untraditional Haggadah, so we decided to create one. Feel free to pair it with your normal Haggadah of choice, such as the Mrs. Maisel-themed Maxwell House Haggadah.

Order of the Seder

Let’s start the seder by singing this year’s most popular Jewish meme:

Kadesh. Urechatz. Karpas. Urcehatz. Yachatz. Urechatz. Maggid. Rachtzah. Motzi Matzah. Urechatz. Maror. Urechatz. Korech. Urechatz. Shulchan Orech. Urechatz. Tzafun. Urechatz. Barech. Urechatz. Hallel. Urechatz. Nirtzah.


Pour the first cup of wine. Fill it up high because it’s going to be a long night.

While you chant the blessing over the wine, expect a few guests to arrive late to the Zoom chat because they couldn’t find the invitation email with the link.


The hands are washed thoroughly, for at least 20 seconds in accordance with CDC guidelines, of course.


A vegetable is dipped in salt water. Cut a little hole in your face mask to shove the parsley into your mouth.


Grab the middle of three matzot and break it in half. Take a photo of the larger half and post it to Facebook (this will come back into play later).


The youngest participant asks the four questions:

1) On all other years, I have enough matzah to feed an army of people. Why this year did I only have to buy one box?

2) On all other years, we get dressed up nicely. Why this year am I wearing pajama pants?

3) On all other years, we have a full seder plate. Why this year is my plate filled with leftover salad mix?

4) On all other years, we eat and drink while relaxing. Why this year am I constantly on edge?

Read of the four different types of children that the Torah speaks of:

The wise child asks: “How can we utilize the internet to enhance the seder?” Direct him to Haggadot.com, where he can find endless parody songs, commentaries, and Passover activities. Also encourage him to change his virtual background to a giant piece of matzah.

The wicked child asks: “I had to miss my spring break for this crap?” Explain the importance of social distancing. Every person, young and old, has to make sacrifices in order to stay safe and healthy. If he’s patient, he can attend Coachella when it moves to the fall.

The simple child asks: “Is coronavirus caused by 5G?” Answer simply: “No, no it’s not.”

For the child who does not know how to turn on his microphone, we explain that it is okay to follow along without speaking. It helps to prevent audio echo anyway.

Spill a drop of wine as you recite each of the 10 Plagues of 2020:

  • US/North Korea relations
  • Australian wildfires
  • Student loan debt
  • Trump’s acquitment
  • Climate change
  • Persian Gulf crisis
  • Economic collapse
  • Gun violence
  • COVID-19
  • Carole Baskin / Joe Exotic feud

It goes without saying, but shout it nonetheless: “DAYEINU! Enough with the plagues already!”

Fill up your second cup of wine and have a drink… that was a tough portion of the seder to get through.


The hands are washed thoroughly. This time, the CDC recommends you recite the “Netilat yadayim” blessing to count 20 seconds.

Motzi Matzah / Maror / Korech

Say the blessings for the matzah and maror, and make Hillel’s famous sandwich. Finally you get to eat something, even though everyone knows you’ve been snacking under the table for the entire seder.

Shulchan Orech

The meal begins. Envy your mom as you see her bring out her famous matzah ball soup that you’re too far away to eat. Meanwhile you thaw your Lean Cuisine in the microwave.


Go onto Facebook, and scroll through your News Feed to find that picture of matzah that you posted earlier. No cheating; you can’t click on your profile directly.

If you find the picture, you’ve found the afikomen!


The third cup of wine is poured, and the grace after meals is recited.

Send a Zoom invite to [email protected], with the hope that he will join the seder last minute.


The fourth cup of wine is poured and drunk. There are some other psalms here, but we know you usually skip this part.


We conclude the seder by saying: L’shana habah b’kol makom ha’olam – Next year literally anywhere else in the world but here!

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